The different meanings of neutrality

Taking a stand, supporting a cause, is not in and of itself a good thing. Remember Judas Iscariot. He took a definite stance, and this led to the death of Jesus. And unless you’re a devil-worshipping, I’m not sure you’ll be a fan of Judas Iscariot.

Now remember Pontius Pilate. He refused to take a stand, and this also led to the same result; the death of Jesus. And unless you’re a devil-worshipping villain, I’m not sure you’ll be a fan of Pontius Pilate.

There is a reason why both Pilate and Judas are not popular baby-names. Well, once upon a time in Ghana, we had an actor named Judas. But his acting career plunged headfirst into the pit, and got squashed and disembowelled, just like the actual Judas.

There were a few boxers too named Judas, they faded out just as fast as they flew by, and are hardly ever remembered.

Now, let me tell you a story about ‘Neutrality.’ There was a boy named Kofi, who was unfortunately not the smartest in his class. In fact, he was the worst. He always came last in quizzes, tests, and exams. He led the class from behind just like Obama’s administration led the invasion of Libya from behind. He hardly understood anything he was thought.

But his lucky day came during a Science lesson on Electricity, where he learnt about Positivity, Negativity, and Neutrality. They were later given a test which asked: ‘A region can be electrically positive, electrically negative or electrically _____’ Kofi inserted Neutral into the blank space, and for the first time in the history of the world, Kofi was first in class. The following week, in an English Language test, they were asked to supply the antonym of ‘Bias’. Again Kofi supplied the word ‘Neutral’ as the answer, and for the second time in the history of the world, he was top of his class.

So Kofi, smart aleck, thought he had found the magic wand to solving all the world’s problems. In a quiz the following week, they were asked, ‘What is Photosynthesis?’ Kofi answered, ‘Neutral.’ And he immediately went back to his usual position at the bottom of the pile. Later, the English teacher asked them to write an essay titled ‘Myself.’ On the answer sheet, Kofi wrote one word: ‘Neutral.’ In another test, when asked who the first president of Ghana was, Kofi answered, ‘Neutral.’ His parents had to finally take him to Pantang for evaluation.

Then there is the story of the man who came back from work to find a neighbour brutally assaulting his children. When asked to intervene, he replied, ‘I am neutral. Please don’t force me to take any side in this quarrel!’ And he calmly went into his room, undressed, swallowed large dollops of fufu which his children have pounded, belched loudly, and went to bed. Some of his children died, some went into a coma, and the rest got horribly wounded. He was arrested the following day, taken to court, and sentenced to castration.

Moral of the story: if you keep pleading Neutrality as an excuse for not taking a stance, you might end up getting yourself castrated. Sometimes a Decisive Judas is better than a Dithering Pilate, if only because of the avoidance of doubt. At this point in time, someone may be asking, ‘What at all does this blasted word mean?’ Wonder no more, my dear friend. See the definition box below:

Editor’s note: The ‘Inside the News by Mpakoo’ column which appears every Monday exclusively on ghanabusinessnews.com is satire.