The Lord hath destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah…

The Acts of the Lord Mayor: Chapter 1

¹ Behold the mighty and wondrous works of the Lord Mayor. He was provoked to hot anger against the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah. Their iniquities rose up like a mountain before the Lord. ² These lewd fellows of the baser sort ‘sɛbi sɛbi’ squat into the Korle Lagoon to do their things, even as the lewd fellows of the greater sort made their factories nearby spew industrial waste into the sacred Korle. ³ Moreover, the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah committeth all manner of thefts, and deceptions, and abominations, and their offences were like unto the offences of the inhabitants of the Flagstaff House. ⁴ And so the Lord’s anger did rise up against the people of Sodom and Gomorrah, for daring to usurp unto themselves the right to abominate in like manner as the rich and powerful; ⁵ but in the days of yore, the politicians did intercede on their behalf. And the Lord repented of the evil which he thought to do unto the people of Sodom and Gomorrah.

CHAPTER 2

¹ But the inhabitants of Sodom of Gomorrah did continue in their iniquities. And when the Lord did look at Sodom and Gomorrah, he saw that they were still poor and weak and voiceless. ² And he said, ‘Behold, these people cannot pay tithes or taxes, nor can they defend themselves. I will arise, and destroy them totally.’ ³ But the ancestors and the gods of the land had pre-empted the Lord, and had send a fearsome flood, and a fiery conflagration to all the land round about; ⁴ but Sodom and Gomorrah did they not touch.

CHAPTER 3

¹ And the offensive odour of Sodom and Gomorrah rose like vile incense to the office of the Lord Mayor Alfred Okoe Vanderpuije at the AMA headquarters on Atta Mills Highway. And he said, ‘Verily, verily, the time hath now come. I will go down and destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.’ ² And so he arose, and went to Sodom and Gomorrah with his chariots of fire, known as bulldozers in the parlance of our times, and did raze the whole slum to the ground. ³ And there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth. And the people cried out unto the Lord Mayor, ‘Give us a land, that we may establish ourselves and our lineage.’ ⁴ And the Lord Mayor said ‘No!’ And the elders of the land also said, ‘No! For our gods will again visit us with more tragedies if we give you a place!’ ⁵ And there was great joy among the wealthier folks of the land. And they sang the praises of the Lord Mayor. ⁶ And the Lord Mayor saw all that he had done in Sodom and Gomorrah. And he said, ‘It is very good. Nothing as good as this hath ever happened in this land since the days of Osagyefo Dr Kwame Nkrumah.’

In other news, leading gynaecologists in the country are warning that the expression of delight at the invention of the colour-altering condoms is premature. According to them, a lot of work still needs to be done before the condoms will be ready for the market. One female expert said men’s copulatory behaviour was not much affected even if a condom changes colour to indicate the presence of an STI. ‘Obviously, this new condom is going to be more useful to women than to men,’ since they are more likely to respond to a hint of the presence of STI.

But the eminent Obstetrician/Gynaecologist experts noted that there was a little problem: ‘As everyone is very well aware, all manner of body contortions are involved in the act of coition. Of all these, in only about two or three of these positions that a woman is able to observe what is really going on in the nether regions; specifically, these are instances where the woman is, quite literally, “riding” in the driver’s seat. With any other pose, the woman’s ability to observe the condom’s colour alteration is significantly reduced. And in a rear-entry situation, she has absolutely no way of observing anything. And let’s be honest, most copulation happens under cover of darkness. So the long and short of what we’re saying is that those teenage geniuses have done well. But as we have argued, the impact is likely to be very limited.’

But according to the experts, all is not yet lost. ‘We’re making further tests and very soon, we’ll include a brand new feature to these condoms. When they detect STI, the change in colour will be accompanied by a loud, disagreeable sound. And to ensure that the copulating partners are brought back down from their clouds of ecstasy, we’ll make the noise as obnoxious as possible, say a siren sound, a D-Black song, or Chuck Kofi Wayo’s husky laughter; that should spoil the mood for them one time!’

Editor’s note: The ‘Inside the News by Mpakoo’ column which appears every Monday exclusively on ghanabusinessnews.com is satire.