Assassination attempt is proof Mahama is as great as Nkrumah, JFK – Elvis Afriyie Ankrah

Various NDC bigwigs have asserted over the past week that the failed attempt to assassinate the president is evidence that Mahama is the best president Ghana has ever had.

‘It is a fact that only great leaders are objects of assassination attempts,’ Elvis Afriyie Ankrah told a gathering of NDC foot-soldiers in the Ashanti Region. ‘And President Mahama has now joined this elite club of leaders. He is now rubbing shoulders with greats like Kwame Nkrumah, Abraham Lincoln, Patrice Lumumba, and J. F. Kennedy. In fact, the president has to enter the Guinness Book of Records for this achievement.’

In the coming days, the government is expected to coin a new term for this enviable club which the president has joined, calling it Fraternity of Assassination Survivors (FAS).

Although Charles Antwi, the man at the centre of the assassination attempt, has claimed that one of the reasons he wanted to kill the president was to save Ghanaians from the impotence of the president and his men, persons connected to the government have fiercely debunked his claim.

‘What he actually wanted to say was that he was jealous of the president’s good record. But his insanity confused him and led him to say the opposite.’ Abraham Amaliba, who is skilled in the fine arts of Telepathy and Advanced Mind-reading, has furnished Ghanaians with the failed-assassin’s true intentions.

The NDC General-Secretary, Johnson Asiedu-Nketia, has also claimed that the actions and words of Charles Antwi show that ‘he is obviously not patriotic. I suspect he is NPP.’

Meanwhile, the government is asking Ghanaians to, for once, acknowledge the good work of the president. Responding to think-tank IMANI’s 47% grading of government’s performance, Hon. Felix Kwakye-Ofosu scolded them for ‘refusing to acknowledge this great achievement of the president.’

The deputy communications minister admonished the think-tank to seek treatment for its selective myopia, but suggested that since doctors are on strike, they better go to the Circle bus terminal to buy kookoo-eduro from one of those trotro-pharmacists.

On a related note, government communicators are descending heavily on striking doctors. Sam George, with whom the president may or may not be fed up (according to intelligence provided by Koku Anyidoho), has lambasted striking doctors, calling them ‘callous and treacherous’ and referring to their demands as unreasonable.’

‘They are being very selfish. If we use all the monies we have to satisfy their gargantuan demands, what else will be left for us to steal?’ he asked in a voice quivering with fury.

Editor’s note: The ‘Inside the News by Mpakoo’ column which appears every Monday exclusively on ghanabusinessnews.com is satire.